Wolves in Designer Clothing
by Raven Dhancer
Summary: COMPLETE! The wolves follow Kagome through the well to modern day Tokyo. Those fur kilts have got to go! So it’s off to the mall for the girls and the wolf pack. Xover wDr. Who
1. Enter the Wolf Pack!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 1: Enter the Wolf Pack!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Kouga and his wolf pack stand beside the ancient bone-eaters well.

"It's as if Kagome's disappeared into thin air," Hakkaku says, scratching his head.

Kouga narrowed his emerald-colored orbs, giving Hakkaku a piercing look, "She obviously jumped down the well, you dummy."

thinks

'Kagome is MY WOMAN. She is fated to be my mate and bear my pups.'

Kouga jumps down the well, yelling, "hey guys, Kagome has obviously gone through this magical well to another place or time. I'm going to find her there. Ginta, Hakkaku, jump in and follow me. The others wait here.

"Wait for me," Kai whines as he jumps in after Ginta and Hakkaku.

At Kagome's house, her friends Ayume, Eri and Yuka sit on the floor of her room studying their geometry textbooks.

Ayame nudges Kagome, "Can you tell me what is the square root of …" 

Suddenly, the window crashes in and standing before them are Kouga, Ginta, Hakkaku and Kai.

The girls gasp in surprise, but surprise quickly turns to lust as they notice how handsome the wolves standing before them are.

Kouga kneels before Kagome, taking her hand and bringing it to his lips, "Lovely Kagome, I will follow you anywhere. You are my woman."

Kagome sweatdrops. "Uh, uh," Kagome says nervously, but Ginta interrupts and saves her from further embarrassment.

Ginta asks Eri, "What is that you're eating. It smells nice."

"Why it's ramen. It's delicious, want to try it?" She shoves a spoonful between Ginta's sensually parted lips.

"Amazing. My name is Ginta. I'm a wolf demon."

Eri giggles, "My name is Eri. You're kind of cute."

Kouga whispers to Yuka, "I want Kagome to like me. Is there anything I can do, or wear, which will make her fall in love with me?"

Ayume winks at him.

oOoOo

500 years previously, Inuyasha sniffs, "Damn those lousy wolves!" and jumps into the well.

oOoOo

Yuka scratched her thigh absently as she told Kouga about the mall. Soon all of the girls were doing it, all except Kagome. Kagome was sparking. Every few seconds, one of her arms or legs emitted a tiny pink flash.

It was Eri who discovered the cause of their discomfort. "Do you guys live in a cave? Don't you ever bathe or wash your clothes?" she snarled. "You've got lice!"

Just as Mrs. Higurashi came up the front walk, four bewildered young men came plummeting out of her daughter's window. "And stay out!" The window slammed shut.

The boys looked so pitiful that all of Mrs. Higurashi's motherly instincts kicked into overdrive; some of her other instincts, too. They were all very good looking, if a trifle aromatic, but one, he looked a little older than the others with silver orbs gleaming like pachinko balls, just made her innards melt. She blushed and looked everywhere but at him.

They all sniffed her but she was used to that from Inuyasha so it didn't bother her. Kouga, Kai and Hakkaku bowed to her but Ginta was a little slow until Kouga bopped him on the head. Kouga said, "Are you Kagome's Mom?"

"Yes."

Kouga bowed even deeper, "I'm Kouga, Prince of the Wolf Clan, and I have come to fetch my wo- affianced bride." 'Close one there. Don't want to piss off my future mother-in-law, especially if Kagome's scariness comes from her.'

Mrs. Higurashi made no response, just looked at him expectantly like she was waiting for him to get to the punch line.

Mama Higurashi became aware of something moving in the young man's hair, "Oh," she giggled, "I see you have brought some friends," she cooed, "naughty!"

She led the four wolves bac into the house and doused them with gasoline in the kitchen. The smell brought the study group down the stair to stare in amazement as Mama had each one of them step into the wash room and put on some of Souta's old clothes. Souta didn't mind, Souta never minded anything.

Kagome carried all the old wolfpelts out to the shrine courtyard on the end of a stick and she set fire to them and watched them burn as Kouga and Ginta and Hakaku and Kai all yelled for her to stop and tried to pull down their tee-shirts to cover their stomachs, they were dressed like human pups.

Kai rolled his silver eyes orbs over at Mama and she gasped, "is this the right thing to do, Ma'am? We can't stay in these clothes, I think my wanker is ready to fall out of them." He pointed down and Mama gurgled a bit.

That's right! Yelled Eri "Let's take them to the mall. Everyone got into the minivan to drive there and a moment later, Inuyasha burst into the scene to nearly pass out from the stench of the wolfpelts that Kagome had left behind burning in the courtyard.

"Damn that stupid wolf hes taken my bich Kagome," he said to hiself as he downed a cur of ramen to get his strength bach. "Ill have to follow them." Within a moment he was running down the road like a dog with his nose to the pavement.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Kagome was squeezed into the van, and found herself smooshed up against Kouga. The heat from his body was apparent even through Souta's clothes, and as he turned his curulean orbs in her direction Kagome felt something in her stomach flutter. She wished she hadn't eaten that Raman now.

She blushed very prettily and pushed her waist length sable locks away from her face with one hand. She placed her manicured hands in her lap as Kouga continued to stare at her. 

Kouga gazed with love upon the woman destined to bare his pups as the chatter of her friends and his commrades faded to bacground noise. He clapsed her hand between one of his and gazed deep into her silver eyes. He hoped the pup was a girl that looked just like her.

Kagome blushed again, but made no move to pull away as feelings she had never, ever, _ever_ had for Kouga before made the blod rush to her cheeks.

"Kagome, I missed you so much I had to come after you," Kouga said.

Kagome was too embarass to reply, so she just blushed and giggled.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Sesshomaru followed the scent of wolves and his bastrd half brother to the well in the clearing and frowned. He turned his handsome face around and saw that he was alone in the clearing. It made no sense. Where had everyone gone? Down here?

"If the enemies of Naraku went down here," Sesshomaru said, not bothered by the fact that he was talking to himself, "then the act must half some significance. This Sesshomaru will go as well."

And so he jumped into the well.


	2. To the Mall!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 2: To the Mall!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

A lone saimyoshou buzzed up to the well. It hovered for a few seconds then flew off again.

oOoOoOo

Somehow, Kai had gotten shotgun while his prince was crammed between Kagome and Yuka. Kouga didn't mind. Yuka was wearing the same indecent outfit as Kagome, all the girls were, and she smelled almost as nice. 

The rear seat somehow held Ginta, Hakkaku, Eri and Ayumi. The girls had to half sit on the guys but no one minded. "So, Ginta is it? Where do you know Kagome from?" asked Ayumi.

"She's going to be our sister when she marries Kouga," answered Ginta confidently.

Hakkaku had been very impressed by Kagome's effortless purification of the demon lice, "He's a braver wolf than I. No matter how sweet or beautiful I would fear she would purify me accidentally." He clutched his throat, stuck out his tongue and bugged out his orbs to demonstrate.

"And what about the pups?" Ginta added. "Could she carry them without purifying them? Would they get enough youki?"

Neither Eri nor Ayumi really followed what the guys were saying except that neither was interested in Kagome in _that_ way and that was the important thing.

oOoOoOo

"He went down there, Master Jaken," said the little girl. "Rin saw Lord Sesshoumaru jump in and he didn't come out." They both peered in.

"That could not be, you silly girl. He's not there and why would Lord Sesshoumaru do such a thing," said the imp.

The girl clambered up on the edge, "Rin doesn't know."

"Come down from there," said the imp pulling on her arm. Instead, when the girl jumped in, he was pulled along.

oOoOoOo

Jaken and Rin were quickly spotted roaming the Shrine grounds by Souta, who had just arrived home from a friend's house.

"Maybe these are the one who stole all of my clothing," Souta wondered aloud as he herded the young girl and protesting imp into his home.

Souta barely noticed the Jaken's protests, as he was too busy staring at Rin. She's at least a year younger than I am, Souta thought thoughtfully, but by the looks of her, she'll be very pretty when she gets older.

As they entered the home, Buyo hissed at Jaken. He followed the imp around the room, growling menacingly.

"A cat!" Jaken cried fearfully as he ran around the room trying to escape the angry feline, "Sesshoumaru-sama, save me!"

"A kitty!" Rin squealed and scooped up Buyo and cuddled him to her chest, "oh Master Jaken, can we keep her?"

Souta led Jaken to his grandfather's room. "All of my clothing is missing, but I think you'll fit into my grandmother's old clothing, she's even shorter than Jii-chan. We need a disguise to help you blend in."

After fitting Jaken with a wig and dress and commenting that he looked remarkably like an old woman now, Souta rushed out of the room to stop Rin from emptying the contents of the fridge and stuffing them beneath her kimono.

Jii-chan entered the room and looked shocked.

"Eiko, is that you?" Jii-chan smiled and gathered Jaken in his arms. "I almost didn't recognize you."

"Get off me, you senile old man" Jaken screeched as Jii-chan pulled him closer.

"It's been so long, my dear wife. You always did play hard to get." Jii-chan winked and kissed Jaken.

"Mmmph," Jaken protested, struggling to escape the slobbering old man. But then he realized that the kiss wasn't so unpleasant after all.

At that moment, Souta burst through the door, "Jii-chan, what are you doing? Gross, that's not grandma!" 

While the two were fighting, Jaken and Rin escaped the strange house and went off in search of Sesshoumaru-sama.

OoOoOoOoOoO

Inuyasha raced along the busy streets, leaping over cars as he followed the minivan's cent. He thought about landing on the roof and ripping the van open, snatching Kagome away from that mangy wolf and taking her by force if necessary back to the well. _That bitch didn't even ask if she could leave first_, he thought angrily.

His amber orbs narrowed. He'd bet all the ramen in the world that disgusting wolf was pushing up on Kagome now, covering her in his sent and asking her to bare his pups.

_Fuck that, _InuYasha thought. _Kagome is mine. And nothing is going to come between us. Nothing._

OoOoOoOoOoO

The door to the well slid open and a moment later a long snakeish soul collecter flew out. It was followed by another, then another, and finally Kikyou immerged. She glared at the shrine, then at the god tree, then at the building she was standing in.

"I know I saw him come this way," she said madly.

She used her special priestess powers to follow Inuyasha out into the city, her soul collecters swarming around her, some already flying off to collect more dead souls to sustane her body.

Naraku was coming. She would destroy him and the sacred jewel in one shot, then it was time to take Inuyasha to hell with her.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A purplish haze of miasma flowed out of the open doors of the well house and Naraku arrived surrounded in on of his balls of barrier-ness. Naraku drifted down to land in the shrine forecourt right on top of Kagome's wolf clothing bonfire.

He jumped a bit and then stepped off to look down at the smoking mess, "Kukukukuku'" he chuckled evily rolling his red orbs and poured a bag of charcoal on it. As he drifted away following Kikyou trail of stolen dead souls there was a shout from the house and Jiicham appeared followed by Rin dragging buckets full of water. Within moments every one at the shrine was coughing and sick from a mixture of miasma and smoke.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kagmoe clapped a hand across her mouth and rolled down her window a little bit. Good thing they were almost to the mall because she felt like she was going to sick up. The wolf pack had not done a very good job rinsing off the gasoline and the van was beginning to weave in the road a little bit.

Kouga didn't notice how clammy her hand was and kept playing with her fingers.

"Kouga, let go," said Kagome.

Kouga kept twisting her fingers. She was going to have lots of pups. First there would be Justin..

"Kouga, let go dammit! I think I'm going to barf!" She wrenched her hand away and stuck her head out of the van window gulping air, she could feel raman crawling up her throat.. She looked back and saw a following flash of red. 'Oh, shit,' she thought, 'this isn't going to be good.

The van swerved into the mall parking lot. "Everbody out!" yelled Kagome.


	3. In the Parking Lot!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 3: In the Parking Lot!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

As Kagome clambered out, Inuyasha arrived, followed by Sesshoumaru and a news helicopter. "Inuyasha, you baka!" she screamed. "Do you have ramen for brains? Where's your cap?" Sesshoumaru's cloud alit near the van, followed by the helicopter. The crew jumped out, cameras rolling as "Sit! Sit! Sit!" Inuyasha made an Inuyasha shaped hole in the parking lot of the Liberty Tree Mall (AN: I don't know the names of any malls in Japan).

Sesshoumaru smiled. Mrs. Higurashi's innards melted all over again.

Ayumi and Eri pulled Ginta and Hakkaku behind the reporter and mugged for the camera like pockyed up pups.

Yuka pinched Kouga on his very fine ass, very little of which was left to her imagination due to the tightness of Souta's clothing. He had been enjoying Inuyasha's plight but the intimate touch made his lapis lazuli orbs roll up in his head and the ookami prince crumpled to the ground.

As soon as the subduing spell wore off, Inuyasha was out of the hole, snatched up Kagome and was on the mall roof in three zigzag bounds. Unfortunately, the abrupt changes of direction were too much for Kagome's stomach and she ralphed all down the front of Inuyasha's incarnadine firerat kimono.

She continued to retch, aiming for a grating in the pavement, and Inuyasha tenderly held her hair back from her face. "Oh, Kagome," he said as he stroked her hair. There was a slight pull, the chain broke, and the vial of Shikon Shards vanished down the grate.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Eiko!" cried the heartbroken Jii-chan as he pursued his little geeen cabbage from the shrine.

Jaken glanced behind to find Jii-chan tottering after him.

"Um, Eiko must go to the village to gather supplies," Jaken squeaked in a falsetto voice, hoping to stall the eager old man. Recalling the lusty look in Jii-chan's chocolate orbs, he was nearly tempted to stop and wait. _His kiss reminded me of the taste of overripe fruit, _Jaken thought longingly.

But ever the loyal servant, Jaken kept running, his sense of duty winning out over the lure of cheap thrills.

Jii-chan was gaining on the imp, moving faster than a man his age should be capable, "Eiko, wait! No need to tire yourself out. I bought ramen this morning. "

x x x x

Meanwhile, the wolves in the mall's parking lot were getting downright ornery, " The damn dogs are stealing the show again," Kouga grumbled. "And where are our clothes," Ginta whined, tugging at his tightly fitting pants which were giving an uncomfortable wedgie. 

Sesshoumaru was busy melting the second microphone that had been shoved under his nose by reporters. "Step aside, human," he said coldly.

"Let's see what he can do to a cell phone," an eager reporter cried as he held his phone towards the demon, "I have replacement insurance."

"Stop that," Inuyasha blushed while Kagome attempted to remove his clothing.

"Your haori has vomit all over it, gross, take it off."

Kouga watched, green with envy and Kagome tugged enthusiastically at Inuyasaha's clothing.

Mama Higurashi, sparing a quick glance at the handsome demon melting a reporter's Motorola i870, began herding the gang towards the entrance to the mall.

"We have to get you boys into some nice jeans and t-shirts."

"But wait," Eri cried, "we were thinking leather."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Exhausted, Jii-Chan wanderd back to the shrine, and looked at the mess. Trying to get rid of the pile of wolf clothing and miasma was impossible! At a loss, he fetched a shovel and start to dig a hole in the middle of the yard. He'd been getting pretty far along, when the sun was blooted out by a shape looming fairly at him.

"Who the heck are you?" he cried.

"Ah begorrah, and top of the morning to ya, I'm Officer O'Nessay-San from the koban over the hill back by the oden hut."

"The koban-where?"

"Conichi-wah, you mean. I've just come by to see about all these things I've been hearing about strange goings on in your watershed. Peole falling down a hole! But what do I find, but two holes in the ground. Well, well, I say!"

"You don't say." Jii-chan clambered slowly out of his hole. Looking at the Officer he asked "you're new here ain't ya? Where you from?"

"Sharp you are and no mistake! I'm from Cork province, though I'm half Japanese myself. Me dear twice-departed father, buried there, was from just around here."

"Twice departed!"

"Well, he was gone a long time the first time. Sadly, he came home with not long to live. In fact his first words in the door were 'I'm home -- to die ma!'"

"You don't say... what ever was the matter?"

"Well, me ma wasn't too pleased to see him after all those years, and her collecting on the life insurance and all. 'Die then and be quick about it!' she screamed and whacked him with the frying pan! Left a bad impression on his mind that did."

"You don't say"

"Faith and Begorrah! This has been quite an afternoon. I hear they're after showing images of real live youkai at the local mall on the telly. 'Tis wondherful times we be livin' in, Sama."

"The what?" Jii-Chan asked feebly.

"The telly, NHK-TV man! Don't you own one? By all the orbs, I'd think you were a pup if'n ye weren't so old and wrinkled. 'Tis like a prune ye are."

"A TV? Yes." He tottered towards the house with his visitor in tow not knowing what else to do with him and flicked on the set. There, in live color was the scene at the mall parking lot. Sesshoumaru had just melted a tripod and the family Windstar was sitting behind him with all of its doors open, apparently abandoned and surrounded by large wasp-like insects and diaphanous eel-like thingies.

A movement over Sesshoumaru's shoulder caught Jii-Chan's eye and that of the cameraman as well. The shot zeroed in to show Kagome on a nearby roof apparently mauling a shirtless Inuyasha. He didn't seem to mind too much and was doing a little mauling back on his own account. They were just sinking together down to the roof when a guy with a long black ponytail ran onto the roof and swatted at them with an inflatable pool toy. The scene cut to a commercial and Jii-Chan groaned, clapping a hand across his face.

"That was my family," he said.

"There you be, Father O-San. Just like bein there. Shure the way things is goin', wan of these days we'll be able to thravel widout lavin' home at all, at all. Do ye happen to have some raman about the premises? I feel a might peckish."


	4. Inside the Mall!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 4: Inside the Mall!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Jii-Chan was wondering how long this ridiculous conversation would be going on. He had holes to fill and imps to chase! Suddenly he got an idea.

"You know, we have a way to travel far away without leaving home. Have you seen our well?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"No I haven't."

"What the heck are you still doing here? Those 'O's were your cue to leave!"

"You don't say"

"That's my line! Anyway, that's how it works; the 'O's go by and then you're miles away, if I'm lucky - Watch out here they come again!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Nope. Still here. Sorry."

"Damn!"

There was a long uncomfortable silence. O'Nessey-San tried to be helpful. "Perhaps you have to want to go somewhere specific?" he suggested.

"Why not jump down the well? Everybody else has." Jii-Chan snapped.

"Nooo..., thank yee, I think I'd be better seeing to the doings down at the mall." He paused, "Could you be giving me a hand?"

Jii-Chan relaxed a bit; "OK, but really, it's simple, you just stand up, face the door, and say 'let's be off to the mall!'"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"And here we are!", Jii-Chan beamed. "The mall entrance!"

"Well, there's a thing!" O'Nessey marvelled, "And right here in your living room, too!"

Jii-Chan looked around wildly. "Crap!" It was going to take a big hole to get rid of this! "And what are you doing?" he cried to O'Nessey.

"Going in." O'Nessey replied. And indeed, it seemed the only thing to do!

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it, me old Gran used to say." He pulled on the door.

"That was Yogi Berra" muttered Jii-Chan, tottering after him.

"Really?" mused O'Nessey, "I always thought he just ate the pick-a-nic bas-kets with his paws…"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Souta was dribbling his soccer ball against the Goshinboku when another flash came from the well house. Shippou trotted out saying over his shoulder, "My candy comes first. I need something to keep me busy while you read every dirty comic in the store."  
"You impugn me. I am a holy man -- but the orbs on some of those chicks? ha cha cha!" said Miroku right behind him. "Hey, Souta!"  
"Hey, guys! Guess what? We don't have to take the bus!" They all went into the house to the mall.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

That bitch Kikyo's soul snatchers carried her up to the roof where Kagome and Inuyasha were consummating their love in comparative peace since Yuka had dragged Kouga off to have her way with him. Kikyo wanged Kagome on the head with her bow.  
"Oh, Inuyasha, I see stars!" moaned Kagome.  
"Inuyasha," snarled Kikyo in her cold way, "are you some barely weaned pup that you succumb to the wiles of the first Xerox™ who waves her big tits and ramen under your nose? And where are the shards of the Shikon no Tama™ that harlot was keeping?"  
There's a time to attend to your zombie ex-fiancée and a time not. Inuyasha ignored Kikyo in favor of furthering, 'Is it even possible to get further in?' his relationship with the hot throbbing miko in his arms.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The thrill of melting electronics had long since paled and Sesshoumaru had moved on to the wasps and soul collectors. The soul collectors weren't much of a challenge but they made a nifty sizzle sound when they fried.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jii-Chan stopped once he was inside the mall and looked around. "What's that noise?"

O'Nessey cocked his head. "Sounds like an easy listening version of 'Hip to be Square'..." he thought a moment. "Could we have been taken back in time, do you suppose? That could be very important."

Jii-Chan shook his head. "I doubt it. Why?"

"Well, that new store in the mall had a sale on ramen that ended yesterday. Also the postmaster said I could be drawing 20 punt tamarra but only providing I could be giving him a wake's notice, do ya see?"

Jii-Chan rubbed his orbs. "You ... new store?"

"Aye. They be sellin mixed drinks, pot-noodle and outdoor gear. They're called 'Ramen Cloak'."

"You don't say. Let's go."

"Down this way"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"I'm getting pretty good at these short hops" O'Nessey beamed.

Jii-Chan stiffined. "I sense a portent"

"Really?" said O'Nessey "Well, I don't know much about the camping gear. I come for the ramen. But there, I'm interrupting again! You were telling me about the mall."

"Yes, well there used to be a tree in the town called the Liberty Tree, but it died. So they chopped it down and put up a life-size metal tree in its place, you see. Then, they built a shopping plaza around it and when it became an enclosed mall they moved it inside. They got rid of it a few years ago to use the space for a santa's village or something. Orb pup ramen."

"Sorry?"

"I beg your pardon. I got a bit of wind there."

"Never mind. So when did they put a real tree back in?"

"They didn't."

O'Nessey pointed down to the central space. "Well, that fake tree is awfully realistic then, isn't it?" 

It was the Goshinboku! Jii-Chan orbs pupped. "The Goshinboku!" he cried!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

All the commotion of people coming and going from the mall entrance disturbed Buyo from where he was trying to catch his daily 80 winks on the sofa cushion. He was a cat of determination and just curled his tail over his nose until a large wasp flew out of the automatic doors. Its fluttery, wounded flight was too much for even the most rotund of kitties to ignore. Buyo leaped from the sofa and caught the insect on the wing. One squash of a massive paw, and an orb-like tummy, and the thing was dead. (AN: Buyo is so dreamy. I wonder if he's neutered?)

Long slumbering predatory instincts aroused, Buyo entered the mall, past the pet store with window full of pups, through the food court with its Oden Hut and USA Ramen until he found a swarm of the bugs. A large monkey was also there, one who smelled even more doglike than monkey sister's mate but he seemed to also be killing the bugs so Buyo decided to restrain his natural instincts and not claw the weird monkey-dog on the nose as is only right and proper that a cat should do to all dogs. (AN: I hate those guys.)

Soon Buyo and the monkey-dog were joined in their battle by a beautiful calico pussy. Her tummy was so large and shiny white that it gleamed like the moon. Her name was Evil. She was even more efficient at killing the wasps than the monkey-dog who was, for a monkey dog thing really quite mighty. Buyo wondered if the new beauty was fixed.


	5. Youkai in the Mall!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 5: Youkai in the Mall!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Jii-Chan started to pace back and forth. "Tree here bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. And what's that noise?"

O'Nessey listened a moment. "Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades). Are ye sure we haven't gone back in time?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jaken lay still - he was playing dead. The last few hours had been confused but he seemed safe for now - nobody was chasing him anyway. If only he wasn't so uncomfortable! He opened one red orb and took a peek. He was in a tree. Under a roof. And there was music. He closed his eyes again and let it wash over him. After a while started to sing "I'm an Omiyo Mystic - I love my master. He's got crazy katanas. I hope he gets here faster. "

Someone spoke under the tree. "I say, do any of you chaps hear that singing?"

Oops thought Jaken. Things are looking bad.

"Seems to be coming from the tree, Minister" another voice replied.

And they're only looking badder; he sat up to get a better view. The tree was defiantly the Goshinboku, but it was indoors. It was in huge space with halls leading off in four directions. There were benches around the base too, all occupied by elderly gaigens, apparently tourists, now all gazing up at him. He nearly panicked briefly, but none of them seemed especially "happy to see him" and besides he thought, I'm pretty safe up here. They're all too old to be climbing trees.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

With all the commotion Mama and Kai had gotten separated from everyone. So they went get Kai some new cloths since he was tired of Souta's cloths bunching up on his privates. Mama had to stop herself from drooling when he stepped out of the dressing room dressed in tight jeans and a white t-shirt.

Her orbs sparkled with gleam at the site of his hot butt in those tight jeans. "You look so hot!" she said in a daze.

"You look pretty hot yourself!" Kai said with a evil smirk. He wondered if she would be interested in having his pups. She would make a good mate.

"I'm getting hungry. Let's pay and then go get some food," Mama said.

"Okay! Can we get some more ramen?" Kai asked happily thinking of that yummy yellow stuff.

"Yeah, ramen is good!" she agreed, grabbing his hand and pulling him to the front of the store.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile Inuyasha and Kagome's coupling had turn into an origy as Kikyo had decided if you can't beat 'em join 'em. Inuyasha wasn't complaining at first because he was the center of attention but soon his golden orbs bulged in surprise as Kagome and Kikyo began to leave him out.

"Hey what about me!" He shouted with a pout as he watched the site in front of him.

Kagome and Kikyo still ignored him as Kikyo's soul gatherers joined in the fun. Both girls just giggled as a frustrated Inuyasha was left watching look a wet ramen noodle.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jaken thought the gaigen tourists might be English. They sounded English. They didn't look English. Their trousers were all rolled down and they didn't have handkerchiefs on their heads. The one who seemed to be the head gaigen was standing below him looking up.

"Hello there! Are you in need of assistance?"

"No! No I'm fine" Jaken assured him "Are you English-men? I know a joke about English-men. Two English-men walk into a bar, well a pub it would be -"

"Ahem!" the old man coughed meaningfully, "Perhaps I should introduce myself. I am a senior Cabinet Minister in Her Majesty's Foreign Service. My seven fellows here are all senior government ministers and high ranking officers in Her Majesty's Armed Forces. We are here to attend a diplomatic conference, at the invitation of your government, and thought we would visit your splendid mall. In addition, we are all accompanied by our wives. Now, are you quite sure you wish to continue your little anecdote?"

"Heavens no!" Jaken piped gleefully, "I wouldn't want to have to explain it sixteen times, would I?"

Peals of laughter from the tree, met a frosty silence below except for a guffaw from one old man, who tried unsuccessfully to turn it into a cough. His wife whacked him in the ribs. "Alastair!"

He murmured to her under his breath "Anyway, there's only 15. Minister's wife Ashley couldn't come."

She smiled. "Nothing new there then" she said. Alastair chortled again. So did his wife. "Trust the minister to forget his wife, I meant." "Trust him to not be able to count." Alastair replied.

OOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile, the Shikon shards glowed in their own light in the section of air conditioning duct ehy had fallen into. A rat youkai found them, drawn by the powerful power of drawing they had. It touched the vial and it rolled down the sloped airconditioniing duct. Soon it was rolling fast whith the rat youkai in close persuit. It wanted them so!  
Just at the last moment with a final clatter the Shikon shards fell through the wide grating of a ceilng tile and into the display of purfumes and cosmetics in the center of the mall's biggist department store.

The girl serving a customer there looked around at the noise but didn't see anything unusual as it had fallen into the teen fragrences bargan bin and its glow was hidden by all the other great things, like Opium for girls and really funky bottles of Charlie.

She shrugged and went back to what she had been doing, "Do you want the matching lipstick with that?

OOOOOOOOOO

Naraku's shamiyoushou wasps split up through the mall as he strode in, his baboon skin bulging with the tantackles hidden beneath it and pulling it open in the front to show the front of his weird armor.

"Cool threads dude," said a guy wearing feathers on his head. His gang of syncophants stood behind him and murmurred agreement. "Where'd you buy them?"

Naraku stopped and a tenticle snaked itself out from under his baboon robe and grabbed the kid by his spiked collar, "I'm not wearing any clothes. Have you seen any deamons around here?"


	6. Sango Arrives!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 6: Sango Arrives!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Meanwhile, Jii-Chan was getting more and more agitated. O'Nessey tried to calm him down.

"Now then. I'm sure there's an explanation-"

"Yes!" Jii-Chan whirled on him "It's All Your Fault! You and your bloody travel without leaving home! Want to go to the mall! Want to watch TV! Why couldn't you buy your crap over the internet like everybody else? You've confused everything now!"

O'Nessey confused by this onslaught mumbled " but we can straighten this out ... "

Jii-Chan became very quiet. "Let me explain." He gather up the officer's lapels in both hands and pulled his face close to the other's orb-like nose. "The shrine is in the mall." he hissed. "The mall is in the shrine! And…". He shrieked as loudly as he could "WE AREN'T ZONED FOR RETAIL TRADE!"

He let go of O'Nessey and slumped into a pile on the floor. "We'll lose our tax-exempt status! We have an acre of land! Know what the real-estate tax is on an acre in Tokyo? I don't. I never had to know. Don't know. It's bloody high though, dollars to donuts. Donuts. Selling stuff. Bane of my existence." he seemed on verge of tears "We only get one festival a year. Once a year. Selling keychains. And wieners on sticks..."

He jumped to his feet and started to march toward the tree still pouring out years of repressed frustration. "Wieners on sticks! AND I had to bloody KILL to get permission for THAT! Not even proper wieners. Cocktail Wieners! 'Can't sell food' they said! 'no proper bathroom' they said!. Why can't they can go behind the tree, I said. God knows they do anyway! Damn all wieners!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile Sango got board and jumped into the well too cause she didn't want that man-whore Miroku chasing after any more women without her so she jumped back out in Kagome's era but there was no-one there. Then Sango sensed a jewel shard so she went into the house and threw the door to the mall.

Inside the mall Snago found Shippo and Kagome's brother in a candy shiop and Miroku was asking the woman giving free samples of cheese doodles to bare his children. Sango ran over and kicked Miroku's ass.

"You pervert monk, Houshi-sama!" she yells, whacking him about the head with her hiraikotz.

Just then Shippo and Souta was walking out the shop and they saw Sango kicking Miroku's ass.

"That monk is a such a prevert," says Shippo. "He knows nothing about girls. Not like me. All the ladies love Shippo."

"I seen a girl I like today," says Souta. "Can you tell me how to make her like me."

"Sure," says Shippo and they walked off leaving Miroku and Sango behind.

Sango finished beating on Miorku and decided to go shoipping for some new perfume. Once she got there she scensed the jewel shard again and followed it to the teen perfume bargain bin. Sango start moving the bottles away to get the shards but then Naraku showed up in his baboon pelt.

"Stand back and let me have at those shards, wench!" Naraku warns her.

"Would you like a nice silk tie to go with that suit sir?" asks a shop assistant.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jaken was ignoring the minister down below. He had settled back with his legs sticking out and was trying to sing the lyrics to "It Isn't Easy Being Green." Unfortunately the tune he was singing along to was "Radar Love", but even so he was making good progress. In fact Alastair was just about to join in on the reprise, when Jii-Chan stomped up.

He saw the dress poking out from among the branches and the change was magical. His orbs lit up and he was about to pup out with "Eiko, my love you have returned!" when something started to bother him. He was looking straight up her dress! Now, he thought to himself, my eyes aren't very good anymore, and my memory is a little shaky, but still, he thought, I'd remember THAT! The color, if nothing else, he thought feverishly.

"Who the hell are you?" he roared. Jaken popped up like a cork, started to snarl, saw who it was yelling at him, squeaked in fright and hid behind a branch.  
Jii-Chan squinted. "and what are you?"

"Just some old lady, probably a bit tipsy" said the minister.

"It looked like a toad, minister" said an undersecretary.

"With that beak?" roared Alastair "have some sense man! It's some kind of heron! A green one, in fact."

O'Nessey pushed his hat up to scratch his head. "To be sure, and it's the biggest flea I've ever seen in all me born days"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"I am not wearing a suit," Naraku said stiffly and grabbed for 'th vial of Shikon shards while fending the brave Snago off with his green tentacles (copping a smarmy squeeze or too in while he did it.

"YIP!" Yipped Sango as he tweaked the pointy parts of her tits, the shop assistantent knocked the bargain bin over in a shatter of purfumey glass, eveyone recoiled in Horror as the smell arose to the ceiling and the body of a dead rat suddenly fell through a sodden ceiling tiel and landed on the Lancome display.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

With a sudden "CRACK!" Kikyou came down with internal damge as Kagome sat back and laughed, pushing the clay pot girl aside. Inuyasha blinked and peered cautiously a t Kagome wondering if he was next.

Her chocolate orbs were so beautiful, he wanted to suck on them. They were as good…NO! even better than Ramen.

Kagome blushed at his heated gaze and combed her finger through her blue black raven's wing hair with the nice smells of peach and cherry and mint and lavender and bubble gum and gardenia and and skunk cabbage all rolled into one.

"K-kagome," he gulped, I l-l-l-l-l-l-lov…"

"You don't have to say it Inuyasha," She cried, slapping him in the mouth, I'm just the shard detector!"

"No, really." he cooed gathering the precious girls close in his arms. "I want you to bear my pups, but first I have to complete the ritual."


	7. Kikyou Destroyed!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 7: Kikyou Destroyed!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Meanwhile Mama and Kai made there way to teh food court to find that Yuka and Kouga were already stuffing they're faces with lots of ramen. They were about to go order there own ramen when a explosion came from the direction of the biggiest department store. The smells of many diiferent purfumes came glidling in the air as Naraku and Snago made three way out of the store fighting. Kai and Kouga grabbed there noses to block out the smell.

"Oh that is so gross!" Yuka said ready to puke out her guts.

Snago then through a dead rat at Naraku while doging his tentceles. "No, I was wrong that is so groos!" yuka said just before she barfed.

Kouga noticed the jewel shards in Naraku's hand and decided tio brave the smell and get those shards.

"come on Kai, let's get those shards!" Kouga comanded as he and Kai run to the battle and started getting they're blews in.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile Ginta and Hakkaku were trying on cloths that Eri and Ayumi keep giving to them. Ginta was getting board of tying on cloths. All Eri and Ayumi were doing were squeeing with they're orbs sparkling in desiree.

"Hey Hakkaku!" Ginta wispered. "Do you think these women will have our pups or should we find other wenches?"

"Will score if u shut up and kep tying on cloths!" Hakkaku wispered back.

Suddenly a large crashing sound got they're attencion as Snago, Naruka, Kouga and Kai came fighting threw the store.

"Don't just stand their fools! Help us!" Kouga yellled.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile Jaken was trying to regain some authority from the mob around the tree. "I'm clearly an imp!" he squeaked "and an Omniyo Mystic." He looked down at O'Nessey and Jii-Chan and summoned up his best threaten. "I am a master of time and space, and will destroy you where you stand!"

Jii-Chan glowered. "How?"

"Very easily." Jaken essayed a gloat. "I serve someone who has more power than both of you together. My master will spare you if you go home and wait. He will not harm you if you go home and stay there. After his victory, you may want to serve him. Um ..." But Jii-Chan's face was a building stormfront.

Jii-Chan spoke, his voice low and cold. "That's from 'Face In the Frost'." He growled. "You're quoting John Bellairs at me? How dare you?"

"Screw you! It's a great book"

"Yes and you're a little fraud. And what's next, Tolkien?" he sneered "Meddle not in the affairs of wizards, they are small and green and soil themselves easily when frightened?"

The strom broke. "Take off that dress!" he roared, "And give it to me - no! Just burn it! Burn yourself too while you're at it! I will go home! - to wash my mouth out!" He stalked off.

"Sure and I better go with him" apologized O'Nessey. "He's headed for the parking entrance. The shrine entrance was back the way we came" he explained.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sesshoumaru, Buyo and Evil slew all of the saimyoshou then the stink of Naraku's miasma, worse even than cabbage, attracted them towards the big store. Evil lead the way. As they passed the Goshinboku, Jaken cried out happily, "Lord Sesshoumaru!" and jumped out of the tree to follow.

"See? It flies. It's a heron," said Alastair. "But who was that one armed dog deamon?"

"Lord Sesshoumaru!" cried Rin as the trio ran past. Bad people kept trying to take her to bad places but she had defended herself just the way Jaken taught her. (Jaken had to teach her self defense because he was much nearer her size, Rin couldn't breathe fire like Ah-un and didn't have a poison-whip attack like that Lord Sesshoumaru. Besides, Sesshoumaru just wasn't very good at caring for pups.) She lit out after the cats and dog.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The damage to Kikyou spread until her entire body was covered with fine cracks. These became fissures then she shattered into a million pieces and blew away. Kagome and Inuyasha would have been blinded but they were busy applying mating marks to each other's thighs, after a light snack of ramen to replenish their strength, so their eyes were covered. But the last bit of Kagome's soul zipped back into her.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Suddenly, Naraku howled in anguish, "Kikyou, my darling! What have they done to you?" Crystalline tears rained from his crimson orbs.

Hiraikotsu was ready to fly but something in Naraku's grief touched Sango. She knew what it was to lose a loved one.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Back at the tree, Jaken stared after Sessomeru. O'Nessey tried once again to follow Jii-Chan. "We're coming with you, officer" said the minister, "If this place is hosting an amateur theatrical staffed by lunatics" he eyed Jaken "high time we're taking the bus back to the hotel."

"A moment, minister" called Alastair "I would like to have a private word with 'o'Nessey' here."

"Suit yourself Brigadier, but you'll have to catch us up. I need some fresh air." he stalked off after Jii-Chan. The rest of the party followed, leaving Alastair behind, alone with his wife and O'Nessey. (AN: And Jaken was there too, but he was lost in his own thoughts.)

"Louisa" said Alastair to his wife "no need for you to wait.", using the tone that meant this is government business and man-stuff. Somehow it didn't work. She gave him a look, the look that said she was going to hear about it all eventually anyway plus an eyebrow that said this trip had been pretty lousy up to now and sitting on a bus with a bunch of stuffed shirts might just push her over the edge especially now (AN: continued on next eyebrow) things were getting interesting in here! It was quite a look!

What she said was "Oh, I'll just sit here a bit longer. It's a very nice bench and I'm not as young as I used be."

Alastair was a military man and he knew how to pick his battles. He knew a little big horn when he saw it. He shrugged and turned back to O'Nessey.

"It's all right Doctor" he said, "you can stop the panto irishman act. I know it's you"

"Alastair!" said the Doctor. He smiled.

di-diddy-daa di-diddy-daa, di-diddy-daa di-diddy-daa,  
di-diddy-daa di-diddy-daa, di-diddy-daa di-diddy-daa (AN: TARDIS noise)  
ooo-waa-OOOW WAAA Ooow Waaa oow waa oow waa oow...


	8. Surprises!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 8: Surprises!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Jaken could have sworn that the huge blue box hadn't been there a moment ago. "Hey," a mall security guard yelled, "who put that porta-potty there?"

"Maaaster," a voice droned accompanied by a mechanical, whirring sound.

"Who said that? That's my line," fumed Jaken as he rushed up to kick the mechanical dog-like creature which suddenly appeared in the doorway of the Tardis.

Teenage girls were already swarming the Tardis. "Ruminko, where do you put the money? I wonder if this picture booth has the funny little heart-shaped borders? Say 'cheese'!"

On the roof, Inuyasha and Kagome collapsed in exhaustion.

"Inuyasha," Kagome whined, "I'm having second thoughts. I mean, now that Sesshoumaru is here I've been thinking...that we should date other people."

She stood and headed for the stairs, "I'd better go catch your brother before Eri gets to him first." Kagome waved and gave him a cheerful smile, "See ya later, alligator!"

Inuyasha sat there unmoving with a shocked expression in his golden-amber colored orbs, "but who will bear my pups," he yelled after her, "come back my little cabbage! Didn't the fact that we shared ramen mean anything to you?"

"Bitch," he muttered (meaning in the sense of a female dog) and began to slowly piece Kikyo back together. "Humpty Dumpty aint got nothing on you."

-----

Naraku and Sango sat across from one another at a tiny table which belonged to the 'Orange Julius' stand. Sango placed her hand over his and gave him an understanding look. "I have a few broken pots at home we can use if we can't find all the pieces..." That being said, Sango secretly hoped they wouldn't as she eyed the handsome, misunderstood youkai sitting across from her.

A large shadowy form suddenly loomed over the couple. "This table is for paying customers only," a great voice boomed.

"And just who are you?" Naraku laughed evilly, his tentacles emerging from their hiding place under the table.

"I am Asmodeus, manager of Orange Julius. Begone, I say you!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much spit he used, Inuyasha couldn't put Kikyo together again. There was simply no soul to glue her together. He broke down and wept into the shards. After a while he looked up face covered with mud from Kikyo and his tears but underneath that were stripes on his cheeks and his orbs were red like nose of the drunken monk Mushin. In a deeper, rougher voice he said, "I'll show her. I'll show them all. I will complete the jewel and become a full demon! Bwahaha!

"But how will I find it without my shard detecting bitch? I'll just follow Naraku's stench and take it from him. Bwahaha!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The code of Bushido prevented Sessoumaru from attacking Naraku while he was being consoled by Sango so he decided to have some Ramen and an Orange Julius, too. He didn't have any money to pay but that was OK. But there was no where to sit. The food court was packed out with wolves and gaijins. Sesshoumaru was about to kill a few gaijin but then he saw the most beautiful ningen woman, _Look at those pup-bearing hips!_ and she was with his old friend Kai. So he went to sit there.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" cried Kai as jumped up and planted a big wet one on the doggie lord. "You're still lord of my heart," he whispered too softly for Mama to hear.

The sight of those too bishies smooching aroused Mrs. Higurashi something fierce. _Oh, to be the filling in that sandwich!_ The demons smelled her sweet aroma, gave each other a look and swept her away to somewhere private.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Doctor smiled at his old friend, "Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart! Alastair! Well, however did you recognize me?"

"Tree growing up through carpeting? Just your sort of thing. And when you wandered up with Jii-Chan? That clinched it. You can switch bodies, but the gob-smacked expression on your companions faces never changes! So what's the danger this time."

"Something, Brigadier, that bullets will not stop."

"We've faced thirty five years of monsters together, off and on. When did bullets ever work?" Alastair looked a little hurt. "No." he said, "Never fear Doctor. You lead and I'll have your back!"

The Doctor smiled. "And I yours, Brigadier, and I yours..." His voice trailed off and he gazed deeply at Alastair. As a time lord, he knew that all is bound in space, but more than that all things are bound in time, and that someday the two of them would, must, part, and that knowledge tore at him, a pain deeper than any he knew. But he knew that one thing was not bound by time, and that was love, a true love, a love that reached beyond-

"Oh. My. God." said Louisa, "Harry Sullivan was right about you two, wasn't he?"

"Oh dear, awkward moment" said Alastair.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Naraku smiled at Asmodeus "Have you seen my kazana trick?"

He opened a vortex, but Asmodeus stood firm. Winds screamed and tables flew into the hole. Naraku sucked! On the roof, the dust that was Kikiyo was sucked into an AC grate. and into the condenser coils! They were clogged in an instant plugging the whole system! Naraku sucked alot! The condenser was pulled through 200 ft of duct like a melon through a straw! It crashed to the floor.

Naraku looked at the mass of wet clay and small metal blades that had been Kikiyo and the AC condenser coils, and smiled even more. "Now, This I can work with!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kagome scanned the food court, rolling her orbs at the two old Englishmen who looked like they were about to snog one another where they stood. She didn't see any sign of Inuyasha's bishie brother, Sesshoumaru. No sign of the wolves either.

'They must be still trying on clothes in the dressing room,' she thought a little guiltily. 'I've been neglecting Kouga – what if he ends up wearing off-brand?'

Kagome rushed towards the department store, bumping into Yuki and Eri who were arm and arm with two sexy Goths. "W-what?" she exclaimed as she eyed one of the boys' sexy bodies through the black mess shirt he wore, "Yuki, Eri, where's Kouga? And where are Ginta and…"

"I'm Ginta," one of the boys said, snickering at her, "guess you didn't recognize me in my new clothes."

'And the black lipstick,' Kagome thought. "Okay, you guys look great. But where's Kouga?"

"I dunno, maybe in the dressing room still?" Eri shrugged, "he was a tough one. He kept trying on mini-shirts or shorts. Said his legs deserved to be noticed. I finally got him into a pair of tight capris. They left nothing to the imagination, if you know what I mean." She rolled her orbs. "Suffice it to say that ramen noodles have nothing on him."

Kagome rolled her orbs back at her, "that Kouga." Yuri rolled her orbs as well, just for good measure.

Kagome skipped happily over to the dressing rooms, wondering if she might catch Kouga undressed. She had her disposable camera ready. She heard shuffling in one of the dressing rooms and threw the door open wide. "Caught you, Kouga!"

FLASH!

The disposable camera clicked, capturing forever the scene of Mrs. Higurashi in her bra and panties sandwiched between two half-dressed, incredibly hot daemons like a corn-pup.

"Whoo hoo," an elderly clerk winked at Mrs. Higurashi, "you go girl."

"Mom," Kagome mumbled as she stood there staring with a bewildered expression on her face. 

Suddenly, her face clouded in anger, "MOM! Is that my new thong you're wearing?"

**TBC**

**Author's Note:** All the music in the mall is being played by the Burbank Industrial District Philharmonic Orchestra. There my favorite. Everybody says how world famous the Burbank Industrial District Symphony Orchestra is blah, blah, but the BIDSO only ever plays Mozart's 34th, Ride of the Valkyries and selections from Grieg. Some of the musicians have learned to play in they're sleep. (AN: I swear. We saw them on a school trip. One of the second violinists was so snoring!) The BIDPO is way better. (AN: can you have AN's in an AN? Is it a ANN? LOL) They are teh awesome. Because 1) They play anything if you pay them enough. And 2) the best violin teacher in the world (my teacher!) plays with them. Dhad uses them for his company, XSH Mall Music Inc. (ANAN: It's my dhad's company!) (ANAN: He told me he named it after me!) (ANAN: I don't get it! LOL!)


	9. Bad News for Kagome!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 9: Bad News for Kagome!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Louisa, Alastair and the Doctor aka O'Nessey fled the food court and had gone back to the Ramen Cloak for what O'Nessey called a strategy session and what Alastair insisted on calling a stiffener. They had tried a three-some in the TARDIS, but K9 had kept trying to make it a foursome and after a while they had given up.

Jii-Chan wandered in a bit later and plopped down beside them. He had been totally unable to find his exit and had just about given up on finding the tree again either. He ordered something called a Honolulu Heart Attack, but sent it back after it arrived garnished with Spam, and settled instead for what everybody else was having, the bar's signature drink which had the added charm of being half price until 5. It came garnished with a noodle, but you could pick that off.

Louisa was gazing sourly at the Doctor and Alastair who were still making cow-orbs at each other. "hentai" she muttered.

"Madam," Jii-Chan said, "The word I think you want is 'Yaoi'."

Louisa looked puzzled, "What does that mean?" she asked.

Jii-Chan hesitated. "I think it means 'Stop It My Head Hurts'" he lied.

"You were jolly mean to that little heron thing Jaken" she said sternly.

"That was Jaken?" puzzled Jii-Chan.

"You didn't even know his name? You Cad!" Louisa hissed "Right! You jolly well march back, right now, and apologize to him!"

"Jaken is a toad demon. He's practically indestructible." Stammered Jii-chan "He's - How could I hurt him?"

"He's got feelings! You can hurt those!" Louisa glared, then added "and you did hurt them. Deeply!"

Jii-Chan was dumbfounded. He sat stunned for a minute and then got up and wandered out.

The Doctor watched him go. "Pass me his noodle."

o 0 o O o 0 o o 0 o O o 0 o

Silently, Inuyasha jumped down through the hole left by Naraku's suckiness landing right behind Naraku. With just his claws, Inuyasha started slicing and dicing Naraku like he was a Veg-O-Matic and Naraku was an onion. Bit and pieces of Naraku rained over the food court.

"My, the ramen is extra meaty today," said one of the few customers remaining as she chewed a chunk of tentacle.

Due to the power of the whole Shikon no Tama, Naraku kept reforming. It was a slimy, catsuppy heat between Inuyasha ginsu-ing Naraku and Naraku recohering.

o 0 o O o 0 o o 0 o O o 0 o

As she drew in a breath preparatory to resuming her attempt to purify her mother, Kagome sensed something through the fresh scar on her thigh (The scar was in the form of kanji that said "Red Hot Bitch". Inuyasha has one too. His says "Hound Dog"), "Oh, I'm sensing Inuyasha…He's, he's transformed." The miko ran back to the food court as fast as her long, toned legs could carry her, _I can still get me some demon lovin'. _

As she arrived, a tentacular thwap sent Sango careening into the arms of Miroku. Both of his hands were too tired to even cop a feel. Kagome focused all her powers of purity on the orb of the jewel. A thin waft of smoke came up from Naraku's chest. "Bwahaha! I saw what you and the half-breed and sob Kikyou were doing up on the skylight. Your Miko powers are gone because you have tainted yourself!

Kagome stood there in shock. "It can't be true…it just can't be. I'm no longer pure?"

"Yes my dear, I'm afraid it is. You're just a two-timing whore now. No self-respecting demon would touch you."

"Naraku is correct," Inuyasha roared at her, still in his sexy demon form, his reddened orbs piercing her very soul, "but then I've heard your mother is a firecracker."

"Noooo," Kagome fled the food court and collapsed against a children's mechanical pony ride. Tears were streaming down her face, "Inuyasha, Kouga, Sesshoumaru…I had so many men in my life and now I'm all alone."

"All ALONE," she screeched, frightening a young child who was riding 'Barney the Dinosaur'.

"Ahem," she heard someone clear their throat behind her, "there's always….well, me."

Kagome whipped around and saw … no one.

"I'm down here," the voice whined. "I've been hiding out in the elephant ride until the coast was clear. That old man has a 'take no prisoners' policy. Hasn't been easy, Rin was snooping around and…"

"Jaken," Kagome jumped into his arms, "Jaken, I accept, yes, yes, yes! I will bear your pups, erm, tadpoles…or lay eggs or whatever!"

Jaken's yellowish-green orbs were sparkling with delight, that is until a shadow fell over the happy couple.

"Grandaughter, what the hell do you think you are doing?"

Jii-Chan stopped himself. He'd lost his rag once already today and that hadn't helped anyone.

"I mean," he tried again, "Jaken, can I have a moment alone?"

"Not with all these other people - oh." he wandered back towards the tree.

Kagome tearfully spilled the beans, pouring out the whole sad tale of sex, pottery and betrayal. Jii-Chan listened quietly and then sat thoughtfully for a while. Finally he turned toward her and spoke solemly.

"Kagome" Jii-Chan voice was gentle. "You do know Naraku is a lying sack of shit, don't you?"

"But Inu-" Kagome started to say, but Jii-Chan shushed her gently. "Inuyasha is heroic dog man demon whatever, but even so, you must realize he also is a bit of pig? And thick to boot?"

"So I'm not de-field?" asked Kagome tearfully, but with hope growing in her eyes.

"Well, by any rational standard, yes you are" admitted Jii-Chan, "I mean, whee hee are you ever, but, then again, technically, no. Probably. I didn't see the whole thing. Did you...um..." he bent over and whispered a question in her ear.

"HELLNO!" Kagome quietly replied. "Is that even possible? I mean, who would do that?"

"Nobody I know!" Jii-Chan lied. "OK, Well! Awkward subject - say no more - you're just dehydrated. But um, stay off sky lites in future, please?"

"Sure" said Kagome grimly. She whirled on a heel and marched back toward the food court.

Back at the food court, Asmodeus laughed hugely. Today had been a Good Day! Much Orange Julius had been sold to the hungry watchers. If only that pestilent district manager would let him sell popcorn! Curse his hide.

**TBC**


	10. Carnage at the Orange Julius!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 10: Carnage at the Orange Julius!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Buyo was taking a break from carnage underneath a Orange Julius display when the new cat Evil sauntered by. Surely such a sleek and elegant cat would never look at him, but no! Instead she saw him, purred and came over to share his space. A few sniffs and she lowered her chin to the carpet and brached her front legs raising her hind in a way to drive any breathing tom wild! Buyo lept aboard with a vegnance! Evil's sholder braced against a stand leg and Buyo's catly thrust shook the stand dislodging a pile of plastic oranges. Evil, her head cocked to one side watch them tumble through the air and - satisfied, Buyo wandered off to groom himself.

Evil watched the oranges complete their arc to the ground and roll over the floor. Hairballs! she thought, why does even my fantasy sex suck?

Buyo wandered back under the stand. He was feeling ready for more. Evil glared. "All right, you stupid pup," she said as she assumed the position again, "but this time you damn well better not-" Satisfied, Buyo went off to chase a plastic orange.

Evil howled! Son-of-a-goddamn-crap-on-a-short-stick!

Buyo wandered back under the stand. He was feeling ready for more again. Evil decided it was time to live up to her name or she was going to be here all freakin night! She assumed the position, then moved left, pivoting on her chin but moving her hindquarters. Buyo moved left. Evil moved left again. Buyo moved left again. Evil moved left a third time. Buyo moved left and Evil rammed backwards, pinning Buyo's ass between the ramen stand and her ass. "Now" she snarled, "you are going to stay there until I am goddamn done!"

Buyo wailed and rolled his orbs. He wasn't a very bright cat, and he didn't understand why lady cats were always so mad at him. Maybe when she calms down, he thought, I could - Satisfied, Evil wandered off.

o 0 o O o 0 o o 0 o O o 0 o

As Jii-Chan approached the tree, he saw a small camp-fire burning nearby. Jaken had taken off the dress, made a little pile and set fire to it with his staff of two heads. Now he was squatting quietly by and warming himself.

When he saw Jii-Chan, his orbs widened and he blurted "I'm sorry! I can't have sex with you! I'm already in a stable abusive relationship! It's not that I don't find being pawed by elderly priests attractive, I was raised Catholic after all, it's just, you know..." he trailed off. Jii-Chan didn't seem either aroused or mad.

"We've got to talk" said Jii-Chan. "I'm really sorry," he said quietly. "I've been horrible to you."

"Oh jeez." said Jaken, "That's OK - I'm used to it."

They sat quietly for a bit. "You didn't really have to burn the dress."

"You said to. Anyway you really wouldn't have wanted it back and it didn't really fit."

There was another long silence. Then Jii-Chan said "Do you really think Face In the Frost is a great book?"

"Sure!" replied Jaken. He paused. "I actually met Michael Scott once, you know. He summoned me."

"Really? Prospero's teacher?"

"Sure! I used to be pretty puissant back in the day. Summoned all the time. He summoned me to ask about a portent."

Jii-Chan groaned. "Don't tell me! You said something about camping equipment, didn't you. Then he got mad."

"Yes! How ever did you know?" Jaken marveled "Oh well, I expect it's all recorded somewhere. You would have read about it. I said it was often the tent-pegs that were the trouble, and he said I was a wee puissant, or something and sent me back. It's funny how often when you meet a famous person, they aren't ever so impressive in real life."

o 0 o O o 0 o o 0 o O o 0 o

Heartened by Jii-chan's words, Kagome raced back to the food court, "Naraku, prepare to get your ass, or whatever you call the place where all your tentacles join up, purified. So what if I'm a bit promiscuous? That so-called Kikyou you are trying to reanimate was created through darkest sorcery, a vampire living on stolen souls and she had miko powers.

"You go, girl!" cried Asmodeus in a way that avoided being fey because it was said in a voice like a sub-woofer, the kind of voice that sets a girl's parts to throbbing. He could give Barry White lessons. Eri's legs turned to ramen but Kagome just blew him a kiss then in the same gesture focused all her power through that little pink orb.

It didn't sizzle. There wasn't time. Naraku just disintegrated into a foul dust redolent of smell of tubs from the back of the refrigerator, leaving a battered Onigumo. Still a tad stressed, Kagome walked up to the human waste and kicked him in the pup-berries a few times.

At this point, Asmodeus was forced to close the Orange Julius because no one was going to drink crap that tasted like putrified demon. He stomped Onigumo a few times, too; the district manager was going to be all hard ass with him.

"So, I've never met someone like you before. Are you a demon?"

o 0 o O o 0 o o 0 o O o 0 o

They were on their third round of strategy at the Ramen Cloak. In addition to half price drinks, the bar was running something called a Jeri Ryan special. You bought seven drinks and got two free.

"Harry told me about you two after that mission against those strange aliens, the ones you won't discuss." Louisa said a little unclearly, sucking her noodle.

"Now, Louisa, some of that is classified…"

"Harry said their true names couldn't be spoken aloud." Louisa continued, ignoring him, "I never understood that."

"Oh, that's because their names are all swear words and fart noises!" O'Nessey chimed in. "Harry's awfully repressed really. Do you remember that ambassador, Alastair? You were going around for weeks practicing the pronunciation!"

"Yes ... I can still do it, too" mused Alastair. Absentmindedly he demonstrated.

Louisa colored. A passerby entering the bar abruptly whirled 180 degrees and walked out.

"I thought that was what you called the dog when he messed in the house."

"No that's different" Alastair demonstrated. The waitress dropped a tray.

"You're enjoying this aren't you" said Louisa reproachfully.

"Ambassador's wife?" guessed the Doctor.

"Head coach of their champion soccer squad." Alastair replied a bit tipsily. "You follow the reds, I follow the blarpph" The bartender threw down a towel and started to come out from behind the bar.

"Probably our cue to leave." Louisa murmured, "Well, it's a relief to have that explained. For a while, I thought you had Tourette's!"

As they left, she asked "What do you suppose the ambassador says to his dog-thing?"

Alastair gave it a thought. "Haven't the slightest, 'Bad Doggie-thing' probably" he answered lamely.

**TBC**


	11. Naraku Returns!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 11: Naraku Returns!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

Inuyasha sat, picking bits of clay and orange bits out of his clothes, usinf his claws like tweezers. Kagome saw him and hesitated, she wasn't in the catbird seat anymore and wondered how he would treat her.

She came over in the end any way as one of his claws snagged up on the open weave of his coat thinggie. She whipped out a ruby file she had lifted from a artificial stand somewhere.

"Give me that."

He tyried to ignore her. But he couldn't free his finger. She stank of other men. It was hawt.

"Give me your finger." She released him and his finger and settled down to filing the claw with her knees about her ears.

""Kagome," he mumbled. "'Gome, I'm sorry I hurt you and now you have become a breakfast pastry."

She paused in her filing, "I'm what?"

"A cheese Danish."

She gave him a LOOK and change for a twenty. "You mean a cheezy tart."

"Yeah he said moving easily over her.

"Oh well," she said, tossing the nail file aside, "those are the best sort."

ooooo000000ooooo

Kagome had left, saying she was going to re-rouge her cheeks. Asmodeus had thought about this and then gone over and inspected some of the seats. They had seemed satisfactory. He was now sitting and regarding the remains in the middle of the floor. Those were human. That meant the police ought to be called. Police meant questions. Police questions usually required lying.

Asmodeus normally liked questions but hated lying. It was a game with him, never lie, answer truthfully and see what happens. One of his favorites was, "What is in the drinks?"

He would laugh, his best Geoffrey Holder, and reply "Why sir! Nothing goes in our factory gates but pure clean water, the most luscious fruit, and a bit of sugar. And nothing comes out but our delicious drinks! Would you like a bun?" This was all true too.

The division manager ran the factory. The sugar went in a little pot by the coffee machine, the water was for the managers who refused to drink the muck that came out of the tap and the fruit was for the art department, to use as models for the labels. The actual ingredients came in by pipeline, and tank car up the railway spur, usually at night. (AN: The locals had required the train to not blow its whistle at night, to avoid disturbing their sleep. Their sleep would have been really disturbed if they had known what was in the tankers.) (AN: Orange Julius is a fine company who we really, really, don't want to get sued by. The branch in the mall is a separate operation run by Hell Enterprises Asia Inc, who OJ has being trying to get shut down for years. HEntAI have been and are being sued over the use of the OJ name and the case ought to have been open and shut in favor of the plaintiff but the defendant has all the best lawyers.)

Asmodeus sourly summoned two assistant associate managers. He pointed out the deplorable state of the food court and the impact on sales and bonuses that might ensue. He did not mention the corpse. He definitely did not tell them to stuff the corpse down the garbage shoot to the incinerator. He left to check stock in the back. His two workers waited for him to leave and then stuffed the corpse down the garbage shoot to the incinerator. In the back room, Asmodeus laughed (AN: hugely).

It is not clear if the events which occurred next could be considered unfortunate or not, but as the Assistant Associate Managers were stuffing the charred corpse into the garbage chute, a very small amount of Orange Julius formula spilled into its mouth.

The Assistant Associate Managers shoved and shoved, but it became increasingly more difficult to fit all the corpse into the chute.

It was swelling and putting off a bad stink.

"Unn," cried one of the Assistant Associate Managers as he was absorbed into the body of the corpse. "Come back, my dear cabbage," the other Assistant Associate Manager yelled as he dived into the corpse's body after his love. "I never knew," came a muffled cry from somewhere inside. Relationships between co-workers were greatly discouraged at Orange Julius, Inc.

Two tentacles gripped either side of the chute and hefted itself out. It was huge, sticky and writhed gracefully like a stripper on a pole.

Orange orbs looked greedily at the OJ stand. "More," the fearsome creature roared as its ramen-like tongue snaked out towards the Orange Julius dispenser.

"Not if I can help it," Asmodeus leapt in front of the stand, slapping the tongue back like a scolded pup. The creature made a strangled sound, and began humming the tune from Surfin' Safari.

Asmodues took a step back in shock. "Cthulhu, is that you my old friend?"

ooooo000000ooooo

Kagome ground herself against Inuysha, moaning and howling, arching her back, so in the end, she was able to actually see the tentacles as they shot towards her, wrapped one around each arm and pulled. She shot backwards like a punctured balloon, and was dragged quickly back to the food court and then pinned to the wall by several tentacles by (AN: dun, dun, dun!) Naraku! He was Back! Asmodeus roared his disapproval, but another tentacle waved in the air towards him carrying (AN: dun, dun, dan!) an Orange Julius. "Paying customer!"

Asmodeus shrugged helplessly to Kagome and went back to wiping down the counter.

Naraku stared, weighing various gloats over in his head. "You're still wearing a dress!" he finally said, a bit lamely. "From all the commotion, I'd have thought you would have come back naked and covered in whipped cream and corn oil."

"Oh, well" he added, and ripped her dress from her. "You may wonder why I've dragged you away from your tryst. First, those noises were starting to annoy me. A little consideration for others costs nothing you know." Kagome, her feet dangling and short of breath merely glared.

"Second, I need you. I've decided to rebuild Kikiyo. I can assure you I do have the technology, but I wanted a live model this time. That's why you're still - um - alive." He giggled. He actually giggled! "And if I-boy tries to interfere, I rip your head off. Model and hostage too, see?"

Then he turned to the mass of clay and started work. Kagome thought he was going to start by picking out the condenser blades, but instead he just started shaping. Like to see Inuyasha cheat on me with those in her, she thought grimly. Then she thought, yucch.

Kikiyo, she thoguht, was going to be pissed!

**TBC**


	12. The Nightmare Ends!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Chapter 12: The Nightmare Ends!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

KABLAM! 

In a shower of exploding glass and wood splinters the sidewall of the mall imploded inwards. Everyone ducked away from the glass except for the naked figure of kagome strapped to the round disk. Through the mist of the vaporised debree Galatic Storm Troopers infultrated the building and deployed themselves. With a tortured groan the disk holding up Kagome's delicately nude body let go and fell with a wet SmacK to the floor and a thin trickle of blood seeped out from underneath it. There was maybe a quarter of an inch between the edge of the disk and the floor.

With a rush the Inu-brothers arrived apon the scene and dodged bullets. They sniffed around the edge of the disk and drew back in horror, sorrow, fear and disgust. Apparently Kagome had been holding it for a day or two. 

"Sesshi-chan..." inuyasha uttered brokenly, rolling his golden orbs at his brother.

Sesshoumaru turned and swept the heart-broken dog-demon up in his arms. "What do you need Inuyasha?" "I need you to take care of me...I will bare your pups..." "Inuyasha..." Sesshoumaru cooed..."I will give you infinite bowls of Ramen"

**The End**

FAKE OUT This is really the end! (AN: LOL!)

Sweeping down from the North, howling their rage, the wolves attack! Sweeping through the food court carrying all before them but dropping most of it, past the sleeping Kagome (what a nightmare she was having!) and out the West wing.

Naraku scratched behind one ear with a tentacle. What the hell? he thought.

Back from the West screamed the pack plundering and ravening. Grabbing what they could in steely jaws as they pounded round the court, North they went.

WTF? thought Naraku.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Cutting round past Kouga and Uka coupling in a corner, they tore down - Kouga grabbed Kai by a leg, hauling up till he was eye to eye.

"Hiya Boss!" said Kai.

"Stop that, it's annoying" said Kouga and tossed Kai into the pack, making a third round. He tripped a wolf that hit a third. A clattering of claws on linolium was followed by a pile up in the Sticky Bun Store, and an embarrased retreat.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Back in the food court, Naraku looked at his model and put more clay on Kikiyo's front.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Wolves holed themselves up in what some spray-paint had renamed "Lamb's End"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Naraku flipped Kagome over almost gently and turned back to Kikiyo. He needed a bit more, but somehow, he was out of clay. Kagome, he mused, have you put on a bit of weight? Kagome snored.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Back at Lamb's End, Kai said "I'm making a snake!"

Ginta said "Can you guess what this is?" and wiggled a lump of clay at Kai. "It's a POO!" he shouted and collapsed on the floor with laughter.

Hakkuku stopped trying to eat a plastic orange and laughed till he wet himself.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Nearly finished, my dear, thought Naraku. Just a little bit 'o sole. He reached out a tentacle...a crash in the corridor made him stop. He changed position so Kagome was pinned high on the wall by a single tentacle wrapped around her neck.

That was Naraku's mistake!

A huge explosion tore through the tentacle and the wall behind. "What the ow!" said Naraku. "Motherfucker! That Hurt!" He stopped.

Inuyasha was standing in the food court, Kagome in one arm, still asleep, pointing a nasty looking bit of hardware at him.

"This... is my boomstick!" sneered Inuyasha, "The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?"

"That's from Army Of Darkness! You're quoting Bruce Campbell at me?" roared Naraku, "How dare you?"

"Screw You! It's great flick!" said Inuyasha. "I learned a lot from it too. I learned how to do this!"

Naraku barely got his tentacles up in time before 12 steel balls hit them enroute to his face. Spinning the shotgun, cocking and firing in a non-stop one-handed fuselade, Inuyasha backed to the far wall, his loved one in his arms. Turning and running at the last moment he dove into the garbage chute.

Naraku howled his frustation. "Where are the stairs to the basement?" he roared.

"It's no good." said the Doctor stepping into view (AN: he is so cool!) "They've eluded you. You saw how the tree ended in the central court, didn't you? The mall entrance in Jii-Chan's house? And you never bothered to wonder where the Bone Well had gone? You fool, Naraku, they're 500 years in the past and getting farther away every second. And without a bit of sole, Kikiyo is just a rather attractive lump of clay. But, if you go now, you might just catch them."

Naraku howled again and dove toward the trash chute. He dissapeared down it.

"Nicely Done!" said Asmodeus admiringly. "Not a lie in there that I could see!"

"What does he mean?" asked Alastair, strolling up.

"He might catch them," continued the Doctor, "unless the time space compression -"

Screams and black smoke poured up from the chute. " -brought on by the presence of all the lead characters in one building 500 years from where they should be, is released by Inuyasha travelling back."

"So, what happens then?" asked Alastair, knowing that expository dialog is often helped along by Dr. Watson like questions from the sidekicks.

"Why then the mall entrance leaves the living room, the tree pops back to the shrine, and ..."

"The trash chute goes back to leading to the incinerator." finished up Louisa. "Very nicely explained."

"You caught on a good deal faster than our good friend Inuyasha, but I convinced him in the end."

"And what a performance he put in! Chow Yun-fat couldn't have done it better" said Alastair. "...so what now?"

"Bus back to the shrine, I think. Jii-Chan owes us tea."

"Where is he anyway?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jii-Chan and Jaken were helping each other down from the tree. They had been sitting in it singing "Side by side" to a BIDPO rendition of INXS's "What You Need" that would have had Michael Hutchence doing a helicopter if he hadn't been taken down years ago, and next thing they were back at the shrine. As they climbed down, Jii-Chan said "You know I do want to make it up to you, for everything."

Jaken hesitated, then said "So you wouldn't mind if I tried 'filing the claw' with your daughter?"

Jii-Chan shook his head. "It's fine with me" he said, "but the only way you're going to impress her is with something new and I think the only way you're going to do that is by getting your head stuck."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

500 years in the past, Kagome finally woke up. "Oh Inuyasha!" she cried, "I've had ever such the strangest dream! Why is your shirt covered with drool?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And somewhere Asmodeus laughed (AN: hugely, of course.)

di-diddy-daa di-diddy-daa, di-diddy-daa di-diddy-daa,  
di-diddy-daa di-diddy-daa, di-diddy-daa di-diddy-daa (AN: TARDIS noise)   
ooo-waa-OOOW WAAA Ooow Waaa oow waa oow waa oow...

Created by Terry Nation

THE PROPER END


	13. Epilogue!

**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ and _Dr. Who_ are the property of the respective copyright holders, who aren't me.**

**Epilogue!**

**by Raven Dhancer**

They had had a big party back at the shrine.

Kouga didn't stay, but took his wolves straight away back down the well. Mrs. Higurashi was sad to see them go, but Kouga promised to bring them back for a visit after the statute of limitations had run out, so she gave them all fond goodbye hugs and sawed them off.

Asmodeus came by a little later and bringing them a whole keg of Orange Julius. He said he wanted to do something to express his feelings for all they had done that afternoon. After he left, the Doctor and Jii-Chan thought for a bit, then dropped the keg down the bone well.

Inuyasha and Kagome showed up around dinner time, so Kagome could get some more clothes and tidy up. Everybody complimented Inuyasha on his great manicure.

Finally it was nearing midnight. Most of the partiers were asleep upstairs. K9 was outside by the Goshinboku. Sesshoumaru-sama was curled up on the rug with Buyo and Evil on either side of him. Jii-Chan had found he had a CD from the BIDPO ("Popular Hits by Carl Stalling and Raymond Scott") and put it on quietly. Jaken was off somewhere thumbing through the index's in Jii-Chan's books on demonology, seeing if he was mentioned.

Alastair and wife had sat trading ridiculous stories with The Doctor and Jii-Chan all evening and Alastair announced that as far as he was concerned it was "High time to make it Suntory time." Jii-Chan, who had been knocking back the scotch for a while now anyway, agreed.

A bit later they were all sitting around the table in the kitchen, the Doctor pleading with Alastair. "Will you please reconsider and travel with me? There's always room you know."

"No. Thank you Doctor, but no." Alastair said firmly. "You always ask and I always tell you the same thing. I can't." He continued in a slightly apologetic tone, "I have duties here! Right now, I have a full schedule." (AN: he says shed-ule, it's so cute!) "My hands are full all the time just keeping the minister out of trouble."

Conversation lagged and they put on the late, late news. The events at the mall filled most of it. There were scenes of the damage, piles of dead wasps, holes in walls, a brief view of a small burn mark in the carpet in the central atrium. There were interviews with a distressed owner of The Lambs End and a curiously smug owner of the Ramen Cloak. There were even new bits of footage of events on the roof that broadcast standards wouldn't let them broadcast earlier in the day! Jii-Chan slumped down. "Well, her face isn't visible!" said the Doctor brightly.

They did a quick wrap-up of the conference. "On the last day of this most important conference," the newsreader intoned, "the delegates spoke to us of their heartfelt wishes and desires." They showed footage of the president of Venezuela who said he wanted help for the poor and the rebalance of the division between wealthy and impoverished nations in the world. The German health minister was shown next. He said he wanted to see money spent and progress made on fighting the major diseases that cause so many deaths in the third world. They then showed the British foreign minister. Apparently he had been taped in the mall parking lot as he headed for the bus. He said he wanted a decent cup of tea. "That green muck you drink is awful!" he was heard to comment, "and why can't you get a decent bit of Stilton in this country?"

Alastair slumped down and closed his eyes. Louisa nudged him. "Don't go to sleep!" she said a bit gleefully, "They've got you next!" There was a still of Alastair on the screen, apparently in the Ramen Cloak.

"On a lighter note" said the newsreader, "Here's a bit of video circulating on the internet. Are homosexuality and Tourette's rampant in the British Army? Probably not, but this video may convince you..."

The video seemed to run for a long time.

"Weel, " said the Doctor, "are you sure you won't reconsider?"

"It does look like my schedule just freed up." admitted Alastair ruefully. "Louisa? Want to come?"

"Try and stop me!" said Louisa straying over the border into twee cliché a bit. (AN: maybe more than a bit.)

"Alright." agreed Alastair, "You win Doctor. You always do."

They were interrupted by a loud snoring from the TV. The newsreader was asleep.


End file.
